Grace's Notes

THOUGHT

2009-03-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

There is a new puppy, Leila. There is a new chapter in our relationship. There is a new period when all the parties have stopped and this is about trust and getting closer. Whether he states it or I do, we both know that this is apparent. There is no liquid courage to get ourselves to open up and make us declare love letters. Mr. Mysterious has to be figured out, and I must figure out myself with him.

WE ARE NOT TOGETHER, YET WE ARE NOT APART

2009-03-10T20:16:00.001-07:00

“We are not together, yet we are not apart.“ This is the perfect oxymoron that explains my currant relationship with Mr. Mysterious. He has replaced the space I held for Mr. Man and has also taken an extra square inch of my heart. I met him and everything changed. The fog I had been trying to see through since Mr. Man and I had come back from California lifted the moment we turned from mere acquaintances to lovers to being in a full fledged completely consuming relationship. This was not a mere relationship, but a moment to breathe and reboot after months of feeling like the big foot of hell had literally been holding my front door open. We went out and danced, and talked. It was brilliant. However, I was blindsided when his other stressors turned against me and we were no longer able to be together. At his suggestion due to the whirlwind of shit hitting the fan he couldn’t be with me. It was torture.

Not relationship is ever perfect and his life experiences had certainly made him difficult. He had the need to avoid conflict, and confrontation. He also avoided other feelings as well. Often electing to drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney, instead of dealing with the demons in his head. But I was persistent in accepting him, as he was, flaws and all. Attempting instead to understand his plight and reach within the soul of a person instead of looking at him on paper to decide if he is worthy. Although respect of oneself is necessary and the red flags of an unavailable man all pointed to “he just not that into you”, I wasn’t quite able to accept that fate, again. I had a feeling beyond the confines of realism that there was more, that this wasn’t over, and that I had to persevere.

Miserably, I waited. I spied with the help of mutual friends. After weeks of confusion and more fog there was then a breakthrough. For the both of us I imagine. One ridiculously drunken night where his words fell out of his mouth with ease and sincerity I realized that he wasn’t done. Not only did he allow me a glimpse into his soul, he also had an awakening of his own surroundings. His drinking and smoking had been getting out of hand and he seemed to be regretting his past actions. Since then we have found a mutual ground. It isn’t the way it was, but it certainly isn’t over. That is where we stand today. A reminder of our undisclosed commitment comes in the form of a little innocent puppy we got together. He had the suggestion two weeks into our relationship, and now four weeks out of it, he seemed just as willing to make that kind of commitment. However, it is as previously stated, “we are not together, yet we are not apart”.

TRUTH AND LESSONS

2009-03-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

People find each other through random action. They search and search but when they aren't looking someone just happens to be standing in front of them. If everything happens for a reason, and hearts are meant to meet, how can you know the truth through the lessons? The truth would be someone that you are meant for, someone that will always have a place in your heart because it is real. The lessons are the people that come into your life in order to teach you to be the person who will be right for the truth. As we all know the lessons are hard to learn. Hard to break away from. As if the training wheels in relationships are as easy to take off as the training wheels from your childhood bike.

Attachment comes with the training too. You can't quite get rid of the feeling that you need them to function, to breathe, to act. However, you know when they leave your life for good, eventually time will heal all wounds. It will break your heart to know that you have to be out on your own again, and will only have the lesson left. Not the person who taught it. Just a memory. You think you still need to refer to the manual, or the guide for support and encouragement to move on. But, do you? Or are you just scared that your teacher will be lost forever in the sea of people on the planet. After your final exam you will never see them again, and you will never know if you took the lesson the right way and are putting it to practice in the right way. You will never get the reassurance that will keep you on the path that you had when you left the relationship. You just have the memories, which you will search time and time again for clues to center yourself when the going gets tough.

FINDING LOVE

2008-12-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

There is something to be said about a man and a woman coming together and loving one another for their lives. In the olden days it was the common place. To be clear, it doesn’t mean there were plenty of happily ever after’s, but there was a lifetime, a commitment. That is the same thing that people today crave. The reason we suffer through blind dates, and bad relationships. We are looking for someone to tolerate for a lifetime. Someone who accepts our faults laughs at our bad jokes and is consistent through hard times.

Certainly a difficult task to find whom we attempt to pursue during our early lifetime, if not our entire lifetime. So in the end we spend all of our free time looking for the love of our life. Looking for someone to be with seems to be something that all of us yearn for. How else do you explain all the love stories? Someone must have either felt that way, or wanted to feel that way.

There is a relationship. Suddenly, always when you are not looking, you find someone who is worth a lifetime. It happens rarely. It happens when you aren’t ready for it. The interesting thing is that the person you find may not be ready for the commitment that is part of a lifetime. They may not be there. So why do you stay? You can see the potential, that’s why. You can the person he or she is yet to become. You say to yourself, “I want to grow with this person”, “I want to work life out with this person”, “If the shit hits the fan, I want this person by my side”. What if it isn’t a lifetime? It may just be for the immediate future. But it is the same idea; we are looking for the same thing.

If you close your heart to the world, and try to make it happen anyway, what type of relationship can you expect? You cannot receive from a person, any person, f you do not give to that person. You can’t. It makes no sense. That is the entire reason there is a “leap” involved in any relationship scenario. We need to trust and get there, to commitment. It is not something that happens naturally. Chemistry happens naturally. Chemistry is sex. It is hormones. It is feelings that are, by nature, raw and indestructible. That’s why whenever you do have a person that you have pure chemistry with, and no relationship it is so hard to disconnect. You want to sleep with them but you don’t see any kind of potential so they are what they are. Meat. Just pure adulterous meat. It’s a fabulous thing, however it does not support the ultimate goal of each human being that is on the planet. Therefore, it’s your twenties. It is the lessons learned, you can see from those no fault “relationships”, it is how you understand how you relate, and what you like.

I don’t think that anyone you are in love with, or could potentially see yourself loving should you put through the ringer of learning what it is you like or don’t like. How do you love? How do you open yourself up? If you haven’t realized how to through other relationships? How hard is it to show that you care? To show that you appreciate all that I do for you? All that I have changed, and the person that I have become, you were the catalyst and here I lie. The people that put you in that situation will be hard pressed to find a reason to trust you enough for a lifetime. It is not something that you can discover on your own, or without reason. It is something that you need the little people for. The people that are not invested, as you are not invested, are the people to experiment with. But the ones that lay down their ideals to please, and the ones that accept that they have issues and begin to change and adapt, those are the people to stick around with. Those are the people that have longevity. Leaving them behind, leaving them in the dark, leaving them confused and alone will sooner or later cause dis-attachment.

In addition, we must realize what is important. Is the great grand career important? Or is finding love important? We all want to accomplish the best career; we all want to be successful. But all the money in the world will never replace the emptiness of not having anyone to share it with. That seems to be the difference between Mr. Man and I. Is it not inevitable that in a lifetime you may hurt one another? Is it not better that forgiveness and love conquer feelings of hesitation and fear? For what decision is most important that that of the love that you share? To disagree I say to the previous statement, as love should be given freely and to all despite appearances because without it our human live will be saturated with hate and ignorance. Hence, love should never be second-guessed; it is as natural as breath. To let it happen despite hard times and inconvenience is courage n its best form. It is something that not every man and woman can attempt with fear and hesitation leading their life.

WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE

2008-12-04T18:48:00.000-08:00

Looking back on our love affair, my reflections have been consistently increasing in affection. There was shock, awe, interest, disgust, bravery, leaping and finally love. Now, I find myself drawn to the next step. By that I do not mean marriage. I do not mean babies. I mean love. Perfectly disclosed openly outward expressive and public LOVE. I would like to explore how life changes and is adapted by that factor. How relationships change, what it feels like to be so close and so intimate with someone. What is it like to have that true unwavering faith in a person? How freeing would that be? No drama. Just living and enjoying each other's presence.

I have realized that your partners goals in life have a direct effect on how your relationship will be. For example, in college we had to take personality interest surveys for a business class. One of the things you had to do for the test was rate which things you thought were the most important. They were things like, money, career, relationships, etc. A variety. Some things sound really good. Money for instance was a hard one for a lot of people. Those that came from no money often chose money, however you couldn't necessarily have happiness and money. So what would you choose? When people think about it they may pick happiness. But it looks pretty good at first sight. Mr. Man wouldn't pick money, however he would pick career. He would choose to hold off on a major relationship to focus on his career. Me on the other hand would leap blindfolded into a relationship in order to ensure my happiness than work. My thought is that work will always be there, we have our whole lives to work and fend for ourselves in this economy. However, love comes through our lives like a silent predator. It takes us off guard and holds us, sometimes against our will, until we say uncle and concede. It doesn't care what you have planned to do. Love is like what God might say to believer, "nice life plan' with a sarcastic undertone and a laugh. You can't plan life it just happens and you move and adjust. However, Mr. Man is trying to get his "ducks in a row" before he proceeds with life. He will soon find that he has missed out on many good experiences just so he could say he accomplished a specific task.

If i died knowing that all my friends were satisfied with my friendship, and my family was taken care of I would die happy. I would also look at the pyramids in Egypt that I didn't get to see and say oh well, I had so much more. In this case, the break is a result on his outlook on life, and I am the victim. But like I said, there is no plan.

So here I go...

RULES OF THE BREAK

2008-12-04T18:13:00.000-08:00

Most couples go through tough times. Many say that the hard times are what bring them closer. But how do differentiate the "hard" times, from the "bad"? It seems as if most of the time couples are equally and with opposing forces pushing against one another. However, what if it's unequal? What if there is pure happiness, love and acceptance on one end and on the other is fear, hesitation and sorrow? How do express the need for your lover when you don't know if it is a welcomed emotion? should you be the fool on the ledge by yourself and hope that your courage will bring your lover's heart closer to you?

Mr. Man has decided that taking a break would allow him to realize his feelings for me. he feels as if I am impeding his path in life by being a distraction to his goals. Surely, he said this in many more words. Yet again, he has dropped the ball. Have you ever been confused by a man's wishes. He says one thing and does another? That is exactly how I feel. He says he needs me and he is sweet, understanding and makes me laugh, my heart begins to swell with feelings for him. I get warm in a cold room when I remember how it feels when he holds me. Then suddenly, out of the blue, he disconnects from me. His touch gets fewer and farther between. He misinterprets my intentions and no longer understands me. he no longer sees me. Of course, then my heart breaks a little. How would you like to be reminded every so often that you are not loved. Just to be clear, he's being honest.

I have no inclination how to approach this situation. I feel as if I am too involved to back out, and I am to proud to let him leave me. But I also know life is too short for anyone to hesitate.

So, what does a break really mean? Is it the road to break up? Or is it just a pause in the game called life? A bathroom break if you will, a time to get rid of a the shit and start fresh. What are the rules? Are we dating other people? Can we still have sex? Are we allowed to speak? What is the etiquette for giving someone there space while maintaining a relationship? It seems as if there are no fresh rules. I hear different things from everyone I ask. Most say the most important this is to discuss if you are dating other people or not. I can assume that we are not, however, how can i be sure? Well, that brings us back to are we speaking? It is much too confusing a situation to limit conversation. However, I am going to embark on experiment. We may speak only via nonverbal methods. Writing is a way for me to organize my thoughts and not sound so much like a dumb ass. So I will attempt to write my feelings and we will see what happens.

ANOTHER FOREIGN PLACE TO BE

2008-10-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

I stepped off the plane and felt the heat of another new city. I felt the urgency of the people around me to grab their luggage and carry on with their day. I felt the insecurity of my voice as it trembled to make spanish sentences. As I stepped out of the airport onto the Mexican ground I felt a security of home. I felt at home. A home I had missed and hardly thought about at the same time. A people of so many with souls of such beauty and a culture of such sencerity. I wish it upon everyone, to be here and experience the true souls of this people. Not the tabloided, exposed and stereotyped pictures one sees on a daily basis. Because until you experience it first hand you will never truly appreciate it, them for everything they have.

The arrival and travel all went well. i attempted to make up much of the sleep I had missed out on the night before. I was ready for bed early and tried to stay up just a little longer to be completly filled in on all of the stories I had missed in the last year. It was a conversatin with Mr. Man that had me anxious. I was very aware of his absence all day, especially when he was the topic of much conversation. i had to explain him to my Mexican sister. She was mostly unaware of him, knowing only that we had lived together in L.A. But it was nice to be able to speak of him in positives. I feel as if I went through my madness and have finally grown to appreciate the positive and not focus on the things he is unable to do. Because of this realization I am able to feel again as if THE words are going to fall out of my mouth if I open it too wide.

It was great to hear his voice and want him near. I truly miss him. It occured to me that since we moved in together this is the first week we have not been with each other. I am very aware of his absence. Through the realization of my positive feelings for him, I am also aware of one final thing I need from this relationship. This is something that I may be waiting for for awhile. i want to be with someone whom I can make future plans with, without consequence, but with understanding that this is mutual. I want to be free to dream of a furture, one that includes the fantasy but also includes the small realities to get there. For example the perfect wedding, house and kids would be the fantasy. But getting our own place, and finishing school, getting careers would be the realities that get us to the larger fantasy. An awareness of that pathway. A dream which allows us to know exactly what we are fighting for. Where we are going, and why we hold on so tightly.

I'm sure this week will yeild many relvelations and allow me to know very clearly where I stand in the midst of my life. Should be plesant reading, if I have time to write that is.

THE BEAUTIFUL THING ABOUT WEDDINGS IS...

2008-09-28T19:57:00.001-07:00

Weddings are nice. They are a time of happiness, happily ever after's, hopes and dreams. They make people remember how nice it is to be with someone. How much you want to make those eternal vows, and be committed to someone so selflessly. It's a pleasure to see your closest friends happy and at peace.

The older we get, the more realistic it seems to think of the possibility of marriage. The possibility of you, yourself, being married. So it seems probable that you may consider that whomever you are dating to be a contender in the great race to the alter. Maybe they are not for you, but your passion of the notion to be married away, as all little girls dream, is persistently beckoning your attention. Despite your better judgment you are arranging your vows and planning your ceremony based on the little details you know of your partners taste. Why is it that we can't be in the moment? Is it the proverbial discussion that which you are prepared for...

So how do you prepare for this tremendous transition without being over eager and assumptive of your relationship's path? Now how do I continue? Let me explain further.

When marriage is your called path in life you may find yourself consistently plotting, and arranging in your head that special day. If your path includes children, then you may be deciding what school you would like to send your kids to, or how you might explain life to them. If you are in a relationship and your talking in generalities about what you see in your future, how do you speak of these topics without scaring your partner? Furthermore, if you were not to include the impassable "when we" in you description would you be ostracizing him from your future? Since, he would be that person, if your relationship continued in perfected bliss.

I have found myself entangled within this dispute. Apparently the courtesy of including Mr. Man in the future, despite the fact if he will belong in it, is freaking him out. So how do I speak of something so close to my heart with someone that also resides there? Do I have to hide my hopes and dreams of a family and marriage in order to keep him close to me? Does that even make sense? Should it be his shortfall that he can't accept the future that women concern themselves with, rather than me being over zealous and crazy for expanding on the notion on our future?

Apparently, I must be made aware of this, Mr. Man voiced his opinion and I am no longer speaking of it. However, I slightly feel untrue to myself. Is this a right movement of change?

So in two weeks time I head to Mexico for a marriage. Between a close family friend, a sister, a confidant. Inevitably, as most happy couples do, they bring up your dating status to find out when you will marry and join in their bliss wholeheartedly. What do I say when the doubts are circling and marriage is no where near our radar? Oh, the pressure! But how glad I will be to rejoice in their bliss! Really, the beautiful thing about weddings is...

SICKNESS SPREADS EMPATHY

2008-09-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

Sickness. Something that effects us all at some point or another. A plague can be wished upon people who do evil deeds. A prayer can bring people back from the edge of death. Friends and family get sick and it is your own mortality as well as theirs that it pulled to the forefront of your consciousness. How do you deal with that if you planned on having a lifetime to do so? Suddenly, you have a million emotions pouring out of you, they come out in unexpected ways with unintended outcomes.

The people who are on the outside may see you at work, or out on a date, or at a party and in those few hours, despite the fact they ask you how you are, you are fine. You are away from your problems, and you find yourself truly believing that you are okay. But then you head home, and the party music stop ringing in your ears, and the sounds of laughter become a far away echo, and you realize your loneliness and remember those pressing questions you are supposed to ponder.

It is that person that you chose to see the inner vulnerability in those times when the music stops that is supposed to keep that laughter going. Not to allow you to take yourself so seriously. To give constructive and empathetic comments. To not understand but to comprehend your pain and sense of needing protection from the big bad world. It is why you chose that person carefully. Through your childhood it was your parents, parent, or friend. But in adulthood, as we move toward creating our own familial branch, it is your other half, your partner, friend, confidant, lover.

What if your person, the person that you are trying on for the moment can't give you the empathy that you crave? Does that mean they are a bad person? Someone you can't be yourself in front of? Or someone that will never truly know the real you? How do you cope with that when it is only their arms that can physically make you feel calm within your soul. Is that enough from your partner? How do you know what attributes are unbearable to live without and can not be compromised, and those that are unquestionably necessary but can be compromised to keep the relationship alive for years to come?

WORK FOR YOU

2008-09-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning
Slaved over a hot stove
made sure you had breakfast
before you left our home

Went to work tired
Hoping it'd be a good day
Something felt different
The longer you were away

Came home in the darkness
Put on a DVD
Homed it would be somebody
Else's life I'd see

Never occured to me
That I'd like you so much
I'm a little late but
Seems like it's more than a crush

And I never said I love you
But trust me, I do
And it never seemed simple
But what's simple is true
Darling I love you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
Darling I love you
Promise I'll stay with you

I LOVE YOU, BUT...AND A WHOLE LOTTA MESS

2008-09-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

"I love you but," seems to be an apparent and familiar sentence coming out of Mr. Man's mouth. I have interpreted his intention as follows: when you learn how to give constructive criticism they tell you to say something good and then break the bad news. So when you are having a relationship disscussion, which is by default difficult, using constructive criticism as a guideline appears as a good idea. So I can understand when people try to go that route. However, I am finding, on the receiving end, what you say after I love you is completly negated by the "but". Is that so hard to understand? I try to explain it to Mr. Man, to give him some understanding of the critical-ness of his statements. But no matter which way I rotate the words, he just doesn't grasp the problem. I definetly do not reciprocate his tactics, however it may occur to me to do so. For the simple fact that they will also tell you "to get a taste of your own medicine".

So between the powerlessness I'm starting to feel in my relationship and the powerfulness I need to aquire to deal with my mother, I am torn inside. So I went to Northfield, MN. I got away for the evening to clear my head, with wine and friendship and Sex and the City. I had a great night. I woke up in the morning feeling a calm in my hideaway. I had the house to myself, and nothing to do. I want to hide here for the week. Lose my phone, without anybody having the address. I want to hide. From my eveolution, the transistion, the pressure. I want to be able to pout in bed all day long without the need to feel productive. Even when I plan a day like that I am bombarded with responsibility and chores, and favors, and bills and, and, and nothing selfishly for me.

I know that I am just running from my problems but now I am looking around again. At other cities, other places I could be. I could be enticed by those places. I want to go again, to somewhere I want to be. I did it once, now I feel stronger to do it all over again. Since it would be something new and different with lack of responsibility and problems I don't think that I would mind running from my problems in that way.

Sure, I could run from the sickness, run from the bills, run from it all but could I run from Mr. Man? Could I live without him? Could I want to live without him? The "but". The over-impacting "but" of his statements cause me to hesitate. The "I love you" makes it worth it. Even though it seems that statements like that only come few andd far between. So what then?

I'm right back in my twisted mes of feelings again, and I am talking in circles. I can't quite wrap my head around everthing that has been going on. So I am going to poetic instead.

SHIT STORM

2008-09-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

How does one keep themselves, their relationships, their family together when they are in the midst of a shit storm? The storm can take us by surprise, it can harbor unforseen effects. It is twisted in nature. Cruel and demanding. Harsh and intense. Surprising and challenging. Unsurmounted in destruction. These are the shit storm characteristics. So therefore you know when you are in one, since its presence is known and undeniable. Although, what happens when you can't deal with the whole storm? You try to compartmentalize, deal with one issue at a time. But what if everything, all the shit, is intertwined. So much so, the metaphor of shit is actually a correct analysis. The only thing that you wish would happen is for time to push forward to happier times, or even slow down so you can see the particles swarming around you. Something, anything that will allow you to comprehend what is going on around you.

The list gets longer, the things you have to do. The work, the maintenance of life. it all seems like pointless obstacles. However, doesn't it all happen for a reason? It is all supposed to be meant for something greater? Right? So how do you keep this concept in mind, if you are in the middle of a shit storm and trying to see through it to get at the meaning of it all? It's hard because there are so many reasons not to see the light, not to see the positive. You can't blame me for doubting.

Although, it wasn't until right now that I realized that while all of this is happening around me, it is also happening to me. I try to remove myself emotionally from this situation because it is easier to deal with. You can the see the ground of a shit storm from the sky, you can see what is going to hit next and prepare for it. You can look at all the angles. I try to accomplish that. I try to raise myself above in order to see all those angles. So that I can say that I did everything that I could. But it just occured to me that, I am in the shit storm. With no direct bird's eye view. No real distance, just an imaginary emotional dis-connect. It should be hard for me to get up in the morning. I mean really! Who works 50 hours a week plus a lowly paid coaching job, satisfies everyone else's needs, and is dealing with a mother with cancer. Ok, really? I need to give myself permission to be sad and depressed about my shit storm. Nor do I need to feel guilty about the selfishness that I am feeling. The lack of understanding that I am recieving. In a shit storm, you have to worry about yourself. Although I do not recommend being selfish in the absence of a shit storm.

I would just like to feel as if I am being appreciated. That my efforts are making progress. That I am loved. Is that too much to ask?

TO CUT OR TO GROW?

2008-09-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

Relationships are weird. They are complex. Whether it is a friendship, familial, or romantic, they always seem to twist our hearts into a small wet rag. It is even harder when you try to figure out when the first twist started and then you ended up in such a tangle. But we all know this, we have all been there.

When a few friends of mine decided to get together for a casual evening of drinks and music it somehow turned into a gender debate. Questioning our issues within our relationships and asking others for clarification. As if our partners couldn't speak on their own, another of the same gender might give a better explanation. So we questioned and debated.

One couple, let's call them Jodi and James, had issues with secrecy. They had an ongoing debate/argument about the fact that James would use his phone late at night and not be forthcoming with whom he was speaking with to Jodi. She thought it was frankly disrespectful, knowingly assuming that he was chatting with another female. In her presence. How dare he!

Although under usual circumstances I would have agreed with Jodi, since girls need to stick together. However, based on my current standing with Mr. Man I felt a different response. Comprimise is key. Not a healthy idea to put forth a dealbreaker of such small circumstance so early in the relationship. When you are in you early twenties I think it is fair to be picky still, however if there is someone that you are really with you have to leave the unsubstantial dealbreakers behind you. Save those moments for really serious dealbreakers, like your other half hates your mother. Or your political views do not mesh well, religous views, for that matter.

The other couple there had mixed motives for being together. The male wanted to put her on the bench and only let her play when his other teammates were out sick. She just wanted to please him. Problem was, he had many girls pleasing him, and none standing up to him. All of his women were showing their undivided devotion to his cocky over, eagar, greedy game. Therefore, it is obvious that she sould be the exact opisite to what he is used to. Unfortunately, this is mearly promoting a game in which no one is sure to win. Therefore, it might be best to cut your losses. When it takes more effort to sustain a average relationship then it is to just be in the relationship, is it worth it? Those few dates, those few moments of bliss, can they really be worth all the moments of agony?

According to Mr. Man, if it is not prospering, cut your losses. If it is not helpful or positive, cut your losses. According to Mr. Man, look at it like a business decision, and if you're not making money, guess what? Cut your losses. Slightly pessimistic? I think so. Using the business model to dictate the future of your personal relationship? Is that really wise? Business is all about no emotion. Letting that personal side go in order to do the best for the investors and employees. They say, "It's not personal, it's business" for a reason. Don't they? Or does Mr. Man have a point?

If he's not compromising, not appreciating you, and not being open to a full commitment then is it time to cut your losses? Or should you buck up, be a grown up and try to work through those issues? Grow as a person and all that. Technically, without challenges one can not grow. You can not grow in a stagnant form, without interaction. If someone is not meeting your expectations are they pushing you to grow outside of your confort zone and should be looked at as a learning tool? Or are they too fucked up and won't be the right person for you, no matter how much potential you see, and you should then cut your losses?

There are things I don't agree with Mr. Man about. There are behaviors of mine that bother him and I am expected to change and adapt for the benefit of the relationship. Although I feel pretty strongly about my behavior being justified and correct, do I try to grow, or cut my losses?

WHERE YOU GO IS THERE YOU ARE

2008-09-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

So here we are. All the things that I feared would change our relationship, all the things I feared would change me are in front of us. Here we are, here I am, facing them. These obstacles, set to make a difference, to push and encourage change, to test strength. It is all piling up in front of me, like papers on a desk that I must sift through to find meaning. I guess I'll start with the least complex and work my way down.

WORK:
It is as it always was. The politics at this coffee shop are most disagreeable, and less comfortable now that I have grown into a new shape again. It seems so disappointing that I am working in the same place, but different location, doing the same thing since college. But it also seems comfortable. However, despite the fact that I ususally run towards comfort in this particular case I am yearing for more forward moving change. Something great to happen, something new and happy. Unlike the sad things I seem to be surround with as of late.

MOTHER:
How do I even begin thinking about the possibilities here. How can I express, so that others can understand, how one might feel if they were living my life. Had my stresses. In this case, I can only say that dealing with the mortality of someone that you love, make you deal with your own. Mortality is something that I am not equipt to deal with. What happens if the worst should happen? What am I supposed to do? My mother, is unlike any other, and it is not only our relationship I crave, but also the fact that she is the only true family I have. Sure, I couldn't survive without the love of my sisters and friends, and everything else. But when I thing of the holidays, the birthdays the years, she has been there through it all. She has seen me at my most miserable and brought me back. How can the mortality of a friend/mother be something I actually have to think about? Be some kind of twisted reality for me? It can't possibly be. But here it is.

My mother asked if I could shave her head this weekend. She is beginning to lose her hair. The last time I was asked to do this, I was naieve. Uncertain of her personal struggle. She cried. It was literally the second time my mother had ever cried in front of me. Although I felt like crying too, I wasn't sure how to react. I choked my tears back and let hers have the floor. I felt detached and attached at the same time. Now I have to do it again, and I am not sure I know how to sustain my strength. I'm not sure how to mend the ideas of what I'm feeling to the etremities of adulthood responsibility. All I want to do is still be a kid!

BOYFRIEND:
Mr. Man has been incredibly demure. Slightly understanding, and increasingly cute. His consistent hustle is helpful, what I've been wanting, and most unexpected. Not that he would not do it, not that he couldn't do it, but how I would react when he did. He isn't home when I am anymore. He isn't up in the morning with me, not that he ever was, but I can't sleep in with him. He feels so far away from me in the bed, and ever distant when we do cross paths. I want to cuddle with him, enjoy his closeness, because I miss him when he is gone. But tactical annoyances get in the way. I am holding onto the bullshit in order to avoid the realness of our intimacy. This would be the time within our relationship where the L word, despite its elusiveness, might come into play. I might be ruining it by keeping distant. However, to be realistic we have only been here a week. I need some time to adjust.

Sex seems to be a whole different issue. Despite the fact that we haven't had much of it, that which we had was frighfully the most disappointing we have every had. Meaning that it is always good and fabulous, so this was a huge disappointment. So instead of passing it off as a fluke as most logical people might have, I, being tipsy and overly tired, decided to pick a fight. A fight based on complete irrational girl behavior bullshit. But, the most profound thing is to hear about the L word's appearence. See, we were facing away from each other. We were lying in bed. I thought that I heard him say, "I love you'. However, my response was more aggressive. meaning I said, "that's bullshit!" and continued on my rant. If he did see it, he did not repeat it afterward, or since. I can't bring it up, but I want to say those words ot him. Will he say them again? If he even said them? But I think that I would certaintly be in turmoil if I were him, if I had to deal with my own reaction. Nor would I venture to say it again any time soon. Does this mean it's my turn to say it "first"? I am not sure if I can.

How do you love someone from afar who lies next to you in bed?

AND EVERYTHING ELSE...
So it seems it is a complex mixture of an intersection I am in. Without plan or notion as to how to handle the load I have taken on, I am en route to everything that accompanies where I am at in life. We shall both see where I end up.

NEW ROADS LEAD TO NEW PLACES

2008-09-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

The days are stretched out in front of us, the road as well. We have arrived for a very mini break in San Diego before venturing out along the highway in the early dawn of Tuesday morning. The adventure between the two of us is coming into view and it seems to be more of a minor feat than I had anticipated.

When we arrived we walked into a house filled with people carrying red plastic cups. The beer was flowing and over flowing and everyone was smiling. I knew no one, however he knew everyone. Yet despite my instant concern that I would be left alone and without conversation or introduction I was not. The people were friendly, and open to talk. I met a few very nice people and had a great time getting to know new people.

The atmosphere is disconcerning, the house was a built to perfection party house. The bathroom is a mess, with the typical broken handle on the toilet. The beer bottles, and plastic cups were aligned along the bar waiting for refills. Beer Pong and Ping Pong had front row seats in their outdoor tented stadium in the back yard. The people that were too drunk being taken home in taxi's and the typical fight between testosterone inflicted men. It was a good party. One that it might be better to go home from. However, this was our lodging. Us twenty somethings enjoying the end of summer and the extra day off for labor day. The conflict of being three years out of college and severly removed from this lifestyle. Leftover birthday cake dries out because people have forgotten about it, flies enjoy the ravishings of sticky warm beer and the door is always open.

We slept, romatically, under the stars. But there were no stars. Clouds covered the sky directly overhead and we had to imagine the stars hidden behind them. We were on a pull out couch bed, in a backyard. How weird and extreme and more of a parallel to the college life I once lived so well. For me, it all felt so far away, but for these people it was so present. I envied them. There layed back nature and carefree lifestyle. They aren't pushing to be adults, or grasping to the responsibility. They have full time jobs, or are in graduate school. Not the typical undergraduate learning to do a keg stand for the first time.

Here we were in the midst of caos and I felt somehow secure. It is comforting to be with him for a moment alone, a mere moment in Mr. Man's presence allows me to feel home again. Sappy, and true it is a feeling that I have never had with anyone. I feel close. Intimate. True

TRAVELING

2008-08-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

So, 7 days and counting before I jump in the car and begin the tedious road trip home. Although I am ever excited for a few days off, I am also ever terrified of the things that lie ahead. What am I going home to? Who am I going home to? Have things changed? Have I changed?

The answers to those questions lie deeply in the person I have possibly become. Is it someone closer to my true self? Or more towards the person I don't want to be? Going from a "me" to a "we" has been a truly liberating experience for me. It has forced me to look at myself in a way that i never had been able to do before. But what have I found? What have I gained?

As far as the man goes, I have found a great relationship. There are things that I did before that I actually try to avoid doing now. just because I couldn't imagine doing those things to him. I am more apt to enjoy the good and treasure it, so making life hell by yelling and having unhealthy conversations seems to impede on that so heavily that I can't bring myself to do it. Although, I certainly go through all the things I could say in my head before I speak to him. Because I am still capable of coming up with plenty of below the belt things to say. I have never actually tried to be considerate and have a conscience attitude toward my relationship.

I'm sure you are all rolling your eyes, I promise I'm still cynical and crass. But I'm sure this period of euphoria will wear off as soon as I step back to reality in Minneapolis, or will it? That is what I am concerned about. That is my fear. All of the friends and family that will pass immediate judgment. (Now don't misinterpret, keep reading...) Those judgments can be motivated by two distinct things, individual motivations or over protection.

Individual motivation comes from people not wanting to see you be happy. So they purposefully try to find negative aspects of your person to be. They hound and try to only show the negative and never try to inform of the positive. Laughter and poking fun ensue and the person in the relationship has to re-evaluate their feelings because they think those notions are coming from a place of over protectiveness.

Over protectiveness is the friends and family trying to look out for your best interest. They can see the good that you see, but can see for you when you've become blind with love. They allow you to make your own decision and lie in the bed you make, but will intervene if you are being hurt, or are hurting yourself. Those are positive people. I feel like you are all those people.

I fear that his people are the former. With two fronts battling against each other it is easy to be pulled apart. But how do "we" stay afloat? It is back to good old communication comes in handy. There we are. Without our high Los Angeles walls to protect us. Outside of our perfected Honeymoon suite. What to do? For all you Gray's Anatomy fans, remember when Callie and George get back from their honeymoon in Vegas, and when he starts acting weird she freaks out? Yeah, that could be me.

However tough this will be I feel as if I found someone who makes all that deciphering worth it. I feel, at this point, we can get through a lot. I mean, we are living in Los Angeles, just the two of us, for months broke, unable to make ends meet and being the only person we had to lean on during the whole time. Meanwhile trying not to take our stresses out on each other. Finding love through a shit storm seems possible, and if you can do that, maybe, just maybe this is someone to consider spending a lifetime with.

When I first got here and everything was behind a glass case, our feelings, our fears, our resentments I felt as if this relationship might not be something I could handle. Something too big, too far from where I've been. My heart was concealed within a steel box frozen with layers of ice. I wasn't sure if it was possible to love again, but I was so hopeful. That's why I lept, without looking, into something that I thought had no real risk. But when I arrived, I realized all the things that went into becoming a "we" was more than I bargained for.

So I set out to keep the distance that I felt inside to become my reality. We hardly talked about anything. Sex? Well I attempted to put that off as long as he would let me, and our first fight ended up being about that. Although I felt it was unfair for him to hold me to that standard. It took me awhile to warm up. To allow that ice box to melt took torches! It took serious efforts on my part. Despite the fact that I was so unable to be open I tried to make sure I kissed him daily. I would think about how to make sure I was showing love. It felt forced.

But there were things. He would make me smile, and then laugh. He would be considerate and thoughtful. He would talk to me. Those things began to help everything melt. Then I noticed that I missed him when I hadn't seen him all day. When he spent the night with friends, I would wish he were lying next to me. Then it came to me when he was the first person I wanted to tell some stupid anecdote to. Then everything was different to me. He was different to me. He was someone I could talk to, be intimate with, understand. I was beautiful to him. he made me feel pretty, respected, listened to, and wanted. It was the strangest feeling. I had a hard time adjusting. I couldn't believe it. Was I in a healthy relationship? Was this actually working?

Everything became easy. Until the reality of going home became apparent. I am becoming over protective of what I have found. I fear the influences that will change "us" to something I don't recognize. That makes me just want to protect it more fiercely. Am I scared that I might actually love him? If you love you lose? Maybe. But look at the evidence. Everything that I just wrote. Seems like that is a like conclusion. What are limits of what people will do in order to save and protect those that they love? That is the scariest part of what is coming. Will I lose my cool, just to protect? We shall see.

BEST DAYS LAST

2008-08-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

A wonderful ending of our time in L.A. seems to be apparent. We had the most wonderful weekend. After eleven days of work in a row, I finally feel the relaxation of being on the home stretch, literally and figurativly. There is one week left to go here in L.A. and plenty to do for certain. We have to finish packing and getting everything organized so we can pack it in the car. It seems like there is so much to do but really it is just the motivation to get going that is positivly lacking. Of course, I am homesick and still want to go home. It will be so relieving to see the Minneapolis skyline come up over the freeway. But the last few days have been quite blissful.

Friday was a day of relaxing and running errands. Although running errands might seem tetitous, I actually enjoy them very much. Saturday was equally lazy, however after a few hours of work we ventured out together to a get together. Although I got frustrated and lost getting there, once we arrived it was worth it. We socialized with a group of people that were very kind, but also very different from me. They didn't really drink and certainly didn't smoke. The odd thing is that they were all in the music business. I guess all the bad role models in Hollywood are having a positive influence on the up and coming artist and business folk.

Sunday was the most wonderful day. We drove down to Long Beach and went to a driving range there. It was fun. I was pretty horrible at first, but by the end I got better, at least I would like to think so! Then we layed on the sand and I worked on my tan. Mr. Man is apparently alergic to grass and will break out when he lays on it, so I had to compromise and deal with the sand. Despite how much I dislike it. But it was wonderful. Watching the people saunter around without the compromise of time. People from so many different places, speaking so many languages. Mr. Man and I watch the clouds and the ships go by. We brainstormed ideas for a song he is writing and laughed the whole time. Then we went to his Uncle's house adn I met him. A once great pro footballer, now living in Long Beach. His brain filled with many ideas and knowledge of all kinds of historical events. He was fabulous to talk to, so interesting with so many stories. He knows the most outstanding people. Not to name names, but he literally knows Muhammad Ali and has pictures of the two of them on his mantel. So fascinating! i was thrilled to hear him speak. We walked around a bay area and talked and let the sun set on our time in Long Beach. It was great to get out of the house and onto dry land.

In the past few days, just spending time with Mr. Man on dry land was so exciting. It was being some place new with him that truly made everything worth it. A great way to work our way up to being surrounded by people in Minneapolis. Just the thing that we are fearful of. It seems as if we've been in a honeymoon period for the whole summer, and soon, in just a week's time we will be on our way to home and influence. We were never really a part of each other's lives in Minneapolis, we will surely see such a new perspective of each other's lives. Will we like who we become under the influence of friends, who we are in public. In communication studies you learn that making a relationship public causes solidarity and realness to be added to it. You can date someone that you enjoy their company alone, but perhaps their physicality isn't up to the standards of your friends, so you hide them. Never would you introduce them to the people you care about most. Some people have a fear about that. I only fear that friends will influence the decisions that we make. More importantly how his friends will influence him. So far my friends have be so supportive. But I guess I'm not sure how his will be.

Although we go back facing much adversity, I am hopefully optimistic because of the connection we have made here in L.A. We will always have these memories, and lessons to guide us back home. Now the experience and journey home will be the topic of interest I'm sure. There may be many trials and tribulations on the way and we have no idea how it will end.

PARTING OF THE MOON AND STARS

2008-08-17T11:37:00.001-07:00

Every night I look out of my window and I see the moon. So near to it sits the brightest star, it may even be a planet. All summer I have watched night after night the star follow the moon across the sky. It has been helpful looking up at something so big and so far away. It is a part of L.A. that I have come to love and enjoy. As the summer has moved by so fast, those lights in the sky have moved with it. Now, as I faithfully look up, the star and the moon are parting. They are becoming farther and farther apart. I simple literal metaphor for the parting of me and L.A. It almost makes me feel better that the star and the moon won't be mingling in the large sky without me here to watch.

I know that I will feel some sadness when I move away from L.A. I'm not sure what I will mean, or if it means I will be back here one day. The feeling i have when I leave will certainly contribute to how I will feel about following Mr. Man back out here. Although his heart has landed here, mine is just warming up to the idea. Going back to Minneapolis is going to test me in ways I don't think I can comprehend. It will test our relationship; suddenly we will be confronted with opinions of others and outside influences. it can make us or break us. Here in L.A. we are in our own oasis, conforted by each other's presence. But in Minneapolis all our dirty laundry from our past lives is all fair game. We are unable to hide anything from the lines of gossip. If there are any negative feelings, or we even have a bad day as a couple, those friends and family are quick to judge and thus influence our emotions and actions within our relationship. Of course, they have my best interest at heart, but it is hard to hear what my heart wants through the noise of others. I have done it before, given up on a relationship before its time, and have regretted it. (Although in that situation it was the best action to take). I intend not to let that happen again. But I know it will be a challenge.

Mr. Man seems to be an impressionable person at times. Despite his stubborn edge and quick decision making, he can let the thoughts of other weigh on his mind in harsh and unrealistic ways. When he discovers the problems and solutions for himself it seems that we have the same outlook, however when other influence his decisions I fear he could follow. I only hope that the last few months have solidified his opinion of me so that he can hold on to what conclusions he has come to on his own. A man who exercises his own intuition and opinions is a real man to me. I know Mr. Man is entirely capable of doing so, i guess the question is will he?

The story of the moon and its star may be reflected in my life in more ways than one. The outcome of our return to Minneapolis may be the end of the summer for the moon and star, however we may find new stars and a different side of the moon in Minneapolis. I can only be hopeful.

HUMMINGBIRDS

2008-08-17T10:49:00.001-07:00

I sat on my balcony, enjoying the relaxation provided by my deadly cigarette. While contemplating the idea of returning home, and all I have to do, a shadow fell overhead. Just near my face, and i turned toward it. A small hummingbird was looking at me. It hovered and moved and hovered and moved. I could see clearly its body and face, but its wings, moving so fast, could barely be made out. This isn't something that happens to many people, I thought. So immediately I went inside and looked up the symbolic meaning of hummingbirds.

There are many interpretations of what the symbolism of a hummingbird means. They are a common symbol within Native American mythology. They stand for agility, infinity, beauty, love, they are peaceful yet with the ability to defend their home with the heart of an eagle. They are also signs of rebirth. Their tiny wings move in the symbol of infinity, I thought that was interesting. Its physical lightness serves as a powerful reminder for us to lighten up. When we are heavily burdened with worries and fears our spirits cannot soar. The hummingbird is unique in that it can fly not only forward, but backward and sideways. It also has an unusual hovering pattern, and can move its wings in a figure eight pattern -- a symbol for infinity. This flying pattern also has meaning for us. So often, we find ourselves stuck in time: lost in regret about or longing for the past, or hoping (often without much true hope) that the future will be better, hanging our dreams on a distant cloud. Hummingbird shows us how to re-visit the past for the purpose of releasing it instead of being caught in a permanently backward flight pattern. It also helps us to see that if we step aside we may see our life differently.So how do these concepts apply to my life right now?

That question has been on my mind since I saw the hummingbird. Such a rare instance could not be without meaning and inspiration in some way. I believe that it was a sign. Upon returning to Minneapolis I think i will find myself settld into a newer version of myself. I will be excited to see close friends, and old friends. However, I know that I will be mourning the loss of my old life at the same time. The people that have held me back from being open to new relationships will not have the same power over me as they once have. Therefore, not only am I removing the negative, I am also neglecting a past that I have known and loved for so long. It's getting rid of the scars from old boyfriends and hurtful and unhealthy friendships. Even though those relationships were bad for me, I loved them and clung to them for some reason. Now, I am in a better place, and I need to let those things go upon my return to Minneapolis.

Myabe the Hummingbird meant nothing, but maybe it did. I can't say that people should all believe in the power of the animal totem, but I'm starting to.

TO COPE

2008-08-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

It is an international observation that when one area of your life is going extremely well, something else falls apart. I confortable exsistence can be questioned when something great comes along to compare it to. There are many ups and downs that seem to partner themselves such as cut hours at work and no money. No job, no money and of course break ups and sadness. However, when one thing has nothing to do with the other, how do we cope?

In my case it seems as if Mr. Man and I are finally on the right track. We have learned to communicate and understand each other, and although there is still a great many things to learn, we are getting there. But when career choices, money and moving come into the picture, all the giddiness of falling in love fades away. When we are great, it seems the circumstances of our exsistence in L.A. are in think ice. But when we are rocky the life in L.A. seems attainable.

More specifically, Mr. Man got a job with Apple computers. A great job. A job that a few months ago would have put him on top of the world. It would have meant a pause in the broke and unattainable L.A. lifestyle. Artistically Mr. Man seems to have been conquring demons and making music worth the Grammy's with his business partner. His dreams have gone from far of future, to harsh reality. His upcoming decisions are directly effecting that. To move away when thing are going well could cause a fall back in his make it big plan. Although, selfishly, I want him with me, I know that we are each going to have to make sacrifices to stay in this relationship. But when the relationship suddenly is being forced to be examined against such strong reasons for it to break apart, how does a couple stay afloat?

The first reaction of many people dealing with stress from all angles is to fight. Fight the system, fight with friends, even fight with you better half. Making a serious effort to avoid the mis directed anger can prove to be tough. As in my case, I was on the receiving end of some harsh fire. In battle, I am proud to say, instead of fighting back I identified the misplacement. However, it brought me to the question, how will we cope?

Imagine being married in the Great Depression. There are economic shortfalls all around you. There is no way out, and being hungry and frustrated has become a new way of life. Suddenly, the American dream is a far-fetched reality reserved for only a small few. But the time is 1929, divorce is uncommon, and un-wise, as two incomes are better then one in tough times. Imagine sustaining a relationship under that kind of pressure, and being happy while doing it. Relationships are hard enough, they take patience, time, and accountability. When something that has nothing to do with your relationship begins to affect it how can you sustain?

These are the questions that have been coming up in our relationship. It seems as if our financial shortcomings are affecting our relationship by causing us to fight. I believe that it is 50 percent of marriages that disintergrate due to financial stress; could be more. So finding and answer to this question in necessary to facilitate a happy coupledom.

I have found that being accutely aware of why you are fighting is key. Making serious efforts to understand what battles you enter and why. To self analyze as you are in the heat of the moment in certainly a difficulty, however if it is a way to secure your relationship I think it's worth it.

DIS-CONNECT-ED

2008-08-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

There was a time, when my cell phone, my connect to the world, was off. It seemed as if, under normal circumstances, this might be a chance to be alone and reflective. It is reassuring, in this day in age, that we are alone, that we can not be reached. But when you're 2000 miles away from home, quarantined in a major city, you feel the loneliness of no cell phone service. I had said it was hard to live in Los Angeles. I had said it was expensive. But you don't realize what you can do without, until you have to choose what you have to live without. I had put a delay on making payments on my phone, thinking that with my clean and perfected record they wouldn't let me down. False hopes in a word in recession. Everybody's out for money.

So I was cut off. So far away from my roots. Not able to contact my friends, my family. Not able to revive my fragile sense of stability. I was alone. But I was not. I had Mr. Man. I had Mr. Man to see me through bad weather. He was there when I was low and unstable. We spoke confused and strained words about our financial situation. We tried to ignore it by feigning ignorance and happiness through our companionship. We brought each other joy and love. But under it all I felt desperately alone. So much so that I would cry on my way home to Mr. Man. Not because I was stuck in a bad situation, not because I was unhappy with Mr. Man, but because I was closed off from my closest friends.

My closest friends, pillars of hope, loyalty, confidence, and kinship. They have been people that I have met over my short years here on earth that I have discovered to be family. They have been there through the thickest of the thick. Not that my life has been so bad compared to others, but that the struggle that we all face can be comforted by appearance of friends. Being away from them and the love of my mother was so foreign to me that I couldn't quite grasp the consequences of it until days later. It seemed as if the mere auditory noise of their presence was all that I needed to survive in a land so far away.

I started to appreciate the city of Los Angeles. There isn't much that I enjoy here, I can do without the excessive traffic saturation of people. But when I am driving to work before the dawn breaks and I can see the mountains in the distance overlooking the bustling city a certain calmness comes over me. When I sit on my balcony and look at the sky I am struck by the clearness of the blue sky. It is so pristine. I am overwhelmed by the fact that it looks like that on a daily basis. And when I look out the bedroom window in the dark of the night and can clearly see one perfect star. Of course, I can only see one star, and that might be seen as bad, but its perfection and consistency calms me thoroughly. These are little things, but they are the things I'll miss and remember when I'm home. So I try to soak up the view in order to take advantage of the memory later.

Despite my newfound appreciation I was relieved and glad when my connection to home was reestablished. However, when I heard the voice of my mother and my closest friends I couldn't quite think of anything to say. I felt so withdrawn and isolated. Nothing extraordinary had happened to me, there was no drama, no sadness, or extreme emotion of any kind. But I still had things I wanted to say to them. But there was nothing worth telling. After a few days of being connected, I happily divulged every miniscule detail. Finding comfort in knowing that there are people in this world that care, even when nothing exciting happens to me. That is what I miss most about Minnesota, the people.

STRESS

2008-07-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Big Brother runs his business by using employees other people he can control. The Hungarian and The Addict. Both are instrumental in enforcing Big Brother's rules and regulations. They both get extremely stressed out and over worked to maintain the Big Brother's expectations. They are expected to work every day of the week, and at least 75 hours. Talk about giving your life away.

These two react to the stress of their job very differently. Although it is supposed to be a shielded escapism, and the lowly pawns aren't supposed to really know about it, their outside lifestyles tend to work their way into work gossip. Being the writer I am aspiring to be, I take note of the intricate balance they play at to deal with Big Brother's eccentricities.

The Addict, so named for showing up at work at 5:30 in the morning doped up on pain killers, seems to numb her stress and personal pain. The Hungarian seems to go out on the town, so exaggerated by the nude pictures that he posts on the web. Both of them seem normal, but it seems there is more to them than just Big Brother's henchmen. Similarities between the two are loneliness, stress and Big Brother. The both deal with these differently it seems.

Watching them trying to stay above water while dealing with Big Brother made me think about how I deal with my limited interaction with him. In addition, how do I deal with other types of stress in order to stay afloat. It seems I tend to control, drink, smoke cigarettes, and worry. in the event that things get to be too much, I get lazy. So unconcerned that nothing seems to get accomplished or fixed. I guess we all have to find a way to stay afloat otherwise how would we ever make through life?

To take this interpretation even further, how can Big Brother expect to run a successful business when his henchmen are pushed to such extraordinary lengths to stay afloat? No wonder business suffers. All the employees are, on every level, are certainly suffering as well. It really is too bad when there's a product that people could enjoy, if only the service was up to code. (meaning it certainly isn't when employees are being treated so incompetently)

The conclusion that I am coming to is that Big Brother is inhibiting the growth of his business and the performance of his staff. But as a minion, I guess I am supposed to just nod, smile and make no sudden movements.

CRAZY

2008-07-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

Crazy in Los Angeles, CA is the description most often accompanied with the actions of people that are extremely different from the status quo. Rarely in Minneapolis can one witness the merits and true behaviors of crazy like in L.A. Here it runs rampant like meth in small towns and suburbs. Crazy can be so defined by anyone lacking social decorum, mindless ranting without an audience, possibly drug induced moments of clarity in which they think you are the captive audience, wild exaggerations of clothing faux pas used as attention getters and camouflage at the same time. All of these and more tend to show crazy in L.A.

Besides the mere appearance of crazy, the true nature of humanity is also observed. People attempt to ignore the eccentricities in order to attempt to answer random questions like, "Jesuits were Catholic Priests, right?" An example of the more extreme craziness happened just after I arrived. I was standing outside of work smoking when a guy walked up to me. He asked me for a cigarette. I happened to be smoking my last one. He was wearing baggy cargo pants that were stained with scum from the L.A. streets. He had on a white tank top (wife beater), some punk rocker type bracelets, and glasses. He was tall, lanky and looked as if in the right clothes would be suitable for a job as a geeky accountant. However, it seemed he didn't have a job. The most shocking thing about his ensemble was the perfectly visible female panties that were sticking up over his waistband. Satin, cream colored briefs. In addition, he had handcuffs attached to his belt loop and hot pink nail-polish on one hand. Now, no judgment here, however when you are standing in a highly gay saturated area and a man is wearing girl underwear, you might assume. in fact, in West Hollywood you can assume. Craziness hasn't even been formally demonstrated because what came out of his mouth next showed most certainly that crazy had approached me.

"I don't smoke, you see. It's just that I got stung by a bee. My first time ever, and they say if you take a cigarette and put it over it it will remove the venom from your body and it won't hurt anymore."

"Really?" I replied. Stunned that he was even still talking. My cigarette had just about finished so I decided to see if he would test his new theory. "You can use this one when I'm done. That's all I've got."

"Oh. No. I think it has to be a new cigarette. Thanks though." he calmly walked away.

I couldn't believe it. It was the strangest interaction I think I have ever had. Since then, the guy sometimes comes around the coffee shop. Regulars say that he and his partner are homeless, drug free, and bum around asking for favor. Pretty harmless.

Craziness really ranges from institutionally crazy to free but questionable crazy. Some aren't crazy at all but are so far outside of the natural order of things, that we seem to think they are crazy. Case in point, Joan Adams. Joan is old. If I had to guess, between her sixties and seventies. She has no teeth, and she has no voice. It is absolutely impossible to understand anything that comes out of her mouth. She mumbles, lowers her voice and speaks like a child. Her sentences are always incomplete and border on incompetent. I partly think that she may be doing this on purpose, but you never know.

Everyday she comes in she will be dressed head to toe in a solid color ensemble. For example turquoise, purple or gold. her outfit will certainly include matching earrings, nail-polish, gaudy rings, and her shoes. She is always in a dress, which tend to revel to much of grandma's chest; no cleavage, but it's very close. On very special days she lets us know how fabulous she is by wearing her gold crown. No joke. She has a crown. I'm talking a thin, ordinate, gold crown that sits so proudly on top of her head over her short dirty brown hair. She wears think layers of crusted eye-shadow to match her gown and her nails, and paints her think wrinkled lips with bright pink lipstick. The lipstick I find on the remaining filter of her Pall Mall cigarettes that I have to clean up everyday. She's intriguing. She shows up at the most random times of the day to drink a iced coffee, smoke her long cigarettes and sell her paintings. Oh yes. She makes paintings. They are usually in the hues of turquoise, purple, and gold and are imitations of flowers in a vase. They are actually not bad. It just seems so iconic that crazy would paint flowers.

Regulars have said that Joan was actually an escort, or call girl back in high times of Frank Sinatra. It is said that she worked for him, in that way for years, and now she's all washed up selling her paintings for two dollars each on a roadside. So sad. I can't help but watch her every time she comes in. Besides her major speech impediment I don't mid her. I just can't understand anything she says, which can be frustrating when you are trying to help the customers that will actually tip you.

It all seems to mysterious. What happened to these people that lead them to where they are? If you were them, would you ever be able to wake up in that situation and actually believe you've awoken? Where are there families? What went wrong? Did anything go wrong? What if they are happier now then when they were "normal"? What does that say about society today and conforming to the status quo?

Maybe if we broke through the boundaries that crazy presents us with a heard their stories we could trace the origins of these souls. We could find ways to avoid doom, and find ways to mimic the good parts of their lifestyle without stepping off the reservation completely.

BIG BROTHER

2008-07-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

I have been in Los Angeles, CA for two months now. I have been taking the time to experience the culture and peoples of Los Angeles. It seems as though without the comforts of money Los Angeles can be dull and cause the need for hard-work and hustle. Sustaining a life with disposable income here is a difficult feat. So, I have been isolated within my means while living here. Trying to make ends meet and keep a smile on my face. It's hard to do, especially when so many changes happened for me so quickly. I have a limited profile of the people here. A profile that includes people I work with and my relationship with Mr. Man. It is extremely limited. It is an unfair bias towards the experience of living in Los Angeles. One can come here and enjoy the sights, meet celebrities, find a nightlife, etc. However, this is just my perspective.

I got here on a Wednesday. I found a job the same week. I began working for a locally owned restaurant and coffee shop. Both owned by the same person, "Big Brother". Big brother is a stout Italian complete with Vans and gold chains. He's a hustler. A man that is more paranoid about getting money stolen from loyal employees than equipment breaking down. He is extremely moody, taking his aggression out on employees and rewarding them with the same ferocity when in a good mood. He is always concerned about the current status of his business, so much so that he has cameras watching employees at all times. Hooked up to a live internet feed, he obsesses about watching the videos whenever he is away from the office. Although, from under the radar and far away he seems like a caring, just and family oriented man (what drew me to his business), the constant struggle of staying out of trouble is stressful. Now you might be thinking, how hard is it to stay out of trouble at a coffee shop? Well, surprisingly difficult. The rules change daily, so every-time I come to work there are new policies revoked and new ones in place. The catch is that Big Brother never seems to post a memo. Never seems to ensure that his policies are being understood or followed. But once the new rules are uttered we are contracted to abide by them. So even if no one has mentioned the new rules, I am meant to understand and enact them, and if I miss one, I get in trouble. How bad is the trouble? Really it is not as if I am being sentenced to toilet cleaning duties for the next month. What can be affected? My hours, which equals money.

By not conforming to Big Brother's rules I can lose money. Obviously I need money. So it is not beneficial for me to stand up for the non conformist attitude I usually subscribe to. The unorganized regulations based on assumptions rule everyones actions. Did I mention that Big brother can only see us working? He can't hear dialog. So it looks like you are not taking care of a customer but really they've asked for more timeto look at the menu. So you quickly scrub a dish. But even though the customer is content, you are not not; knowing that repercussions are coming. Due to a simply explainable situation, your hours are cut from the top, and you are struggling to make ends meet again. How is this possible? Is it Big Brother's character that inevitably impacts business success? Or the stress of being a small business owner in America in today's economy?

This analysis can go into further dynamics. How can a business owner have a successful business when employees fear for their income and prosperity? Customer satisfaction intact, can customers still sense the unhappiness of it's workers? I think so. Those that are in jobs where they fear, are under developed, under challenged, and especially unsatisfied can directly affect the success of the business. Not only in my current job, but in many others I have had, this is experienced and demonstrated forcefully. This simple demonstration of Big Brother causes the questioning of the business recession in America today. The Dalai Lama was on CNN yesterday saying that Americans are "too stressed, too worried, too driven, too competitive, etc" The reporter powered back with "Aren't' those also virtues?" He replied, "yes, in moderation". He continued to point out that Americans are living in an extreme. We are pushing ourselves so far so fast that we are neglecting our personal goal and state of calm.

Let's put these concepts together. Big Brother sees a recession, blames the lack of commitment from his employees, the lack of performance. The employees are dissatisfied and try harder to improve their situation. Due to the failing economy, employees try to "stick it out" in their current job. Trying to switch, jobs puts in jeopardy the fragile stability of their financial success. So they begin to put in the extra hours, the extra work, their stress rises, they are worried and always looking over their shoulder. They become tired, and haggard. The customers notice. Besides the fact that most customers are in the same situation as the employees themselves, they chose to take their business elsewhere, or nowhere; this further deepens the depression the economy is falling into. So it is a circle of disappointment and overachievement from the small business owner, to the employees and larger global and American economy. How does this get fixed? CHANGE is certain.

Along with the training in business school that includes ethics and leadership, it is also important to instill the effects of not consciously maintain and improving relationships within the work place on business. With those statistics in mind, maybe on the localized level we can push for more relaxed restrictions that rival great European nations. In France, it is required by law that employees receive six weeks vacation a year. Compare that to two weeks! Not to mention European work weeks are maximized at 32 hours a week! How much time could one spend with family then? Parents being home for supper with their kids, and being able to multi task work with secondary education to increase financial stability. Imagine the impacts!

Big Brother is hard to escape in the real sense that I am living in and the fictional sense George Orwell wrote so well in 1984. However, it is an escape that with it may increase the standard of living for many, spiritually, financially and socially. By looking at our societal standards to impress and be successful we may be able to look further into the reasons so many are struggling with depression or lacking in mental clarity and calmness. As humans, we deserve to take a break, for once. We are just people and need to not only define our lives by what we do, but by expressing who we truely are.

COMMUNICATION STARTERS

2008-07-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

Hypothetically speaking let's imagine that you don't know someone as well as you should, being that in this situation, you live with them. In addition, you are romantically involved. Now, how does one have those conversations that are meant to be for a comfortable newly moved in couple (likely they've been together for some time), but not newly aquainted romantic roommates?

It seems for most people they would not willingly put themselves in the situation that I am now in; at least without the prior feelings of euphoria that accompany the infamous "honeymoon" period of a relationship. The simple things that are usually talked about upon entering the same quarters as your boyfriend are usually household details such as who does what chores and all that accompanies that. Being in a relationship (hetero at least) means that along with playing house there is also the gender roles within the relationship. What chores are women "responsible" for, men, etc. In turn, we have the ever expanding dynamic of woman independence. Therefore, despite the fact that I don't want to take out the trash (man's job) I might, for independence of course. However, here's the double standard, even though I said I would fall into the role of doing the laundry and cleaning, I very much don't want to. For the simple reason that currently, I'm the bread winner, therefore gender roles do not apply. It's a complicated set of relationship and societal expectations that are twisted within the feminist movement to a minimalist degree. Now we return to the orginal problem, how does a couple sift through the twisted mess of interpersonal expectations in a situation like mine?

This is when it gets tricky. If we were acting out a relationship on the big screen I suppose it would look like a war picture with each line of men moving ever so slowly through bombs and gunfire to encroach on the ideal of gaining ground on the enemies side of the terrain. It is a dangerous process, diving to the side to avoid emotional underground mines and lying with your face in the dirt breathing only insecurities and shame. Now as if it would be wise for the diplomats to suggest a farfetched idea to make army life more comfortable, which would take much needed troops from the front lines to build a palace for the heart instead. This is the image that seems to creep into my mind when I prepare to talk to Mr. Man about the details of living together. It seems although I should be encroaching forward in the front lines instead I'm building walls around my heart to protect it from certain death if I don't win the war.

Reaching out of the metaphor, Mr. Man and I found ourselves in in this situation. I felt hard pressed to bring up my issues however, I felt as if prtecting the heart was a more necessary at the time. Of course, after careful thought the issues had to be put on the table. Or else, the whole of my own troops might fall to enemy, or the lover. So I had to. By my standards the clearest way for me to initiate the peace talks would be to write it down. So I did. Not completly satisfying however because then I must bring up the daring letter in order to further the communication between fronts.

In the end, I found that expressing myself gave "us" a clearer view of each other. A more real view of how to increase the intimacy and move the honeymoon period forward. The scariest thing is taking the leap to express, but the reaction of others can, on a gamble, be the most rewarding feeling as well. That is a most hard lesson to learn. Perhaps jumping into a relationship and a living situation and juggling the mess of a relationship, societal, and gender expectations is worth it, in the end, or at least the middle where I seem to be now.

PRIMPING

2008-07-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

Women and men differ on the perception as what constitutes as good hygine. They also differ on what constitutes as the road to relaxation. Now, the primary fuction of the spa experience is to deal with all of the above, thus women combine both necessities into one fabulous time. Not to mention the come out looking glamorous to the pleasure of their man, their minds and their bodies.

For women, finacially keeping up on physical beauty and mental health costs a pretty penny. Luckily for us, we can primp at home. More importantly, in the privacy in our own homes. This concept gets complicated when you live with someone. It seems as if walking around with a clay facial mask isn't quite the hottest thing for your man to witness. Not to mention the amount of time it takes to complete the biweekly makeover; it seems as if there are never enough hours of alone time.

Hide the facial, being a continuous problem for women is never a problem for a man. The reason being, men do not primp like women do. Probably because it isn't associated to rest and relaxation, but to the basic hygine aspect. Which under most circumstances some men are too lazy to accomplish. So you have the enevitable combination of the primped beautiful woman with the lazy, nails too long, scrfufy beard, holes in t-shirt wearin man.

Let me be frank, if you can see the white edges of your toe-nails, time to cut them is overdue. I mean, what is the right amount of time to let that go before you realize that leaving such a simple part of the body unkept is unattractive and indecent. We try so hard to look good for them, can we get the same? I mean really, don't mothers teach their boys to do this regularily? What happened between childhood and adulthood?

Maybe this all stems from the ticking sensation I am getting because I can not seem to find the time to primp properly, and he just doesn't chose to look for it. Not that the man isn't fine, it's just the toes that seem to show the neglect of little primp time. How do you tell him it is time. I assume they expect someone to clue them in since they wait so long to do it themselves. I think in this respect, the man who gets regular pedicures is more likely to keep his woman satified, thus allowing his ego to swell. So in the end, it works for both parties.

ROACHES

2008-07-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

It seems as if the creepy neighbor, who recently got evicted, left behind a little present for management. Unfortunetly, we received a little bit of that parting gift as well. We have roaches. Not that I am always so girish, but this is a feat that I don't dare to negociate with nor conquer. They come out at night, and scare me to peices. I can't concentrate after the first one has presented itself to me. Usually, people would chance killing it. However, according to the laws of Buddhism I am to live and let live. I am also to ignore the suffering of this world and think of th bigger people. But I can't seem to do that either. They're gross, crawly and scary to me. I can't possibly function when they're around.

Mr. man contends that he is shocked that I respond in such a girlish manner. That I am acting like a contradiction to my usual tom-boyish demeanour. This is an interesting turn of events due to the fact that I have always been the first to decree that I am a multi faceted personality and that I am always a surprise. I feel like this is the sole reason that I am able to have such faulties regarding the etiquette of roach to human interaction and act like a total girl.

It is okay to have fear, and to believe that their knight in shining armour will come to their rescue. Even if I am tough and most of the time considered strong, it is equally okay to have feelings of the girly inside; especially if you are a girl.

The idea of the roaches crawls between my layers of skin and stops my heart at the mention of their distasteful merit. How can one function with a fear so serious close by? Let me erradicate them for the sake of my sanity, and pray that later my karma will be redeemed kindly.

THE "L" WORD

2008-07-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

When a couple spends every waking moment together, enjoys a sound partnership and has great sex, what is stopping them from saying "I love you"? It is that they are playing at the grown up world of love but not admitting it to one another or themselves. Is it harder to admit that you love someone to yourself then to your significant other?

I have been in love before. I have have felt so uncontrollably in love that I literally wanted to be apart of a person. I was undeniably ready to be hurt or comforted by him. Of course, that didn't work out so well. However, the feelings that I have for this man are different. They don't resemble anything that I've ever felt before. Is it because this is what it is supposed to feel like? Or is it because this is more real? I can't decide.

What makes people go from thinking about the word to saying it? How do you really know that its the right thing to say? I mean, how many women jump to the "L" word to keep their man or their ideal close by? As women we are meant to fall fast and easily. We are supposed to be there for our man and keep him happy. Illogically put, we are supposed to be more emotionally involved in the relationship than our male counterparts.

Furthermore, if we have never felt the all consuming time stopping feeling of true and honest love, how do we know when it's real? Should we ever really say it? How does one make sure that they aren't saying it for the wrong reasons, and for the right ones?

While writing this, I only see that I am asking more questions than giving answers. Maybe none of us really know when its right to take that leap, but we have to do it anyway. Let fate deal with the rest of it.

BIRTHDAYS

2008-07-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

Birthday's can be exciting, exhilarating and at times terrifying. No matter what age you are turning, despite who may be older than you are, you still may have hesitation about turning a year older. No one should judge you with comments of "twenty-four is nothing, wait until you turn thirty!" That is not helpful, because no matter how true the statement, that thirty year old felt the same way when he or she turned twenty-four.

If you haven't guessed, I'm turning twenty-four in a month. Slightly terrified, just because I am in Los Angeles, without friends or support, or money to do it right. Under usual circumstances I plan a huge to do, expect everyone to be there and have a blast. I make sure I have a sexy outfit and a great pair of heels to ensure that I am, of course, the hottest person at my party. I use my birthday as an excuse to spend ridiculous amounts of money on myself and be completely selfish.

I love birthdays. Since they are the one day, out of the whole year you can be totally selfish and cry if things don't go your way. It seems as if the careful balance of my sanity it teetering on the fact that I might be spending this birthday alone. For reasons seemingly outside of my control. Of course, I have my man. I have one friend at work. And no money to spend. Although, I can assure that I will be spending some money on myself despite my financial pinch. However, I can not expect that the two people I have here are able to do the same.

I fear that if I miss out on celebrating my birthday the way I usually do, this birthday will be more depressing than the number itself. I will be missing my friends and family. I will imagine the birthday I might have had if I would have been surrounded by people I love. I am trying my best to avoid that happening. I am trying to be positive. But what if?

Despite the obvious concerns with the events of the big day there are consistent fears of what it means to be twenty-four. Most of my friends are engaged or married. Some of them have moved to motherhood. Where am I? Does society expect me to live out my twenties partying and doing the unexpected, or conform to the pressures of beginning a career minded, marriage starved, debt endured early old lady? A better question, will I conform to the pressures of society, or the small circle of elites whom I name as friends? Either way, am I doing what I want to be doing?

These questions are all part of growing up. Each year one asks these same questions. How to validate their life or how to experience it more fully. Can we ever really answer these?

NEW FEELINGS

2008-07-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day. I got two not so nice messages that I have to deal with in the morning. I am broke; bills are paid, but I'm still broke. I came in the apartment door with twisted steel type knots of anxiety hanging over my shoulders. I was near tears and venting to a friend. I have no idea how to share this type of stress with a man who is flailing on his own. He has his own financial and personal troubles, so how can I complain? I have a decent job, most everything is taken care of. But in the end I am still stressed. The miricle of the evening was how we dealt with our bad days together. How we meshed, how we communicated.

We talked about what was stressing us. We talked about whether we were happy despite financial complications. We talked religion. We talked.

Talking can be a hard concept for people. We can feel as if our thoughts can be written on stone as they fly out of our mouths simultaneously. That can be scary, intimidating, and we fear it. But when it's good, like it was tonight, it's great. It's fulfilling, and exciting and intriging. Getting to know someone intimately by just using the simple words in a new and different twisted way than we use daily. These new uses of words for intimacy create a different sort of closeness that responds to touch, sound, taste, sight, smell and suddenly you have new feelings for someone.

Can you define those feelings? Probably not. But you can imagine his touch and hear his philosophies and sense his moods. Those senses are alert and real, but the feelings of your heart? Maybe not, maybe so, but new and confortable at the same time. Suddenly, I crave the intamacy that I had just experienced, again. I crave more. Much more. But I can't force it. But I want to explore it.

Keep you posted....

THE "WE" FACTOR

2008-06-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

I am starting to think in the "we". The infamous "we" that eludes singles and traps couples. It causes the loss of self and inspires a feeling of "always togetherness". It is a scary feat for a single moving to coupledom, and causes a conundrum between your single self and coupled self. It is the divide between the "singles" and "couples". It causes the miscommunication between the two worlds and creates the misunderstandings within friendships where one lady is coupled and one is single. The coupled person doesn't understand why they put the "we" (her and him) before the "we" (you and I).

Any relationship takes work. Add sex to it and it is even harder. But two girls trying to navigate a friendship between rushes to the alter and babies, barely possible. What I find is the best solution is the inclusion in the single best friend in the relationship of the coupled. If the single friend is part of the trio as an equal friend to both the man and woman (of course, always on the woman's side at the end of the day) there can be security that the friendship will not implode. In the event that the single becomes a couple that pre-single will have the support and opinion of two close friends instead of the pressure of the coupled friend wanting her best friend to be equally coupled. The idea floating through the coupled friend's head is that if her friend is coupled, she will understand her better and the friendship can resume on equal terms.

So now I have found someone to "we". What do I do? I have been the single friend so many times. Cast aside as my "girls" became closer and closer to their "we" and I was no longer need in the equation to get her through her day. My opinion no longer mattered, and I was not considered for an invite to the lastest party. Because she has dissed me so, her man didn't care to invest time in the "best friend" and I didn't know him either. How do you rebuild a friendship where you feel like you have been wronged so often?

The answer to that rests in my belief of family. I believe that family consists of two ideas. The people you love because you share the same blood and genes, and the people you chose to love because you share the same interest and ideals. Those that will protect you and you can confide in things that you may not want your mom to know. Private things, sex, drugs and what you did at a rock n' roll concert. Those that fit into this category are the people that you must rebuild with even if you never get to speak you side, or win your arguement, because they are your family. They have seen you at your lowest and pulled you from the edge. You have chose them, so eventually you have to let them back in. You can not go back on your commitment to make them a part of your family. Therefore, instead of trying to win the arguement you have to fix yourself and aspire to let go. When you fight with your mother, you get over it after a few days, or you're in therapy, but you still speak. With friends you don't have the blood relation ties to forgive and forget no matter what. However, if you believe how I do, you must keep the same idea in those friendships which you consider family.

So, I have all these ideals. These principals which I try to abide by in order to keep the only thing any person has; their word. Very much underestimated these days, however it is the only thing you have to prove to people you are worth their time, energy and trust. How do I keep the "we" (me and mr. man) out of "we" (me and my closest friends)? This is the only question. It is a delicate balance.

My quest is to not treat others how I have been treated in the past and to include those closest to me in my definition of how my realtionship should function. It is possible to include your singles in your coupledom. It is possible to understand the plight of your friends even though you have been coupled for awhile. It is also possible to treat their problems with asshole'd men with sincere concern and not irritation that they are not asking you what gift your man gave you on Valentine's Day. Maybe those that have wronged me will learn from my example and we can all be family again. We can eat at the same table and drink the same bottle of wine. That, to me, in perfection in life. The inclusion of loved ones. Not their extraction so that that they may move on to the next step in life, alone. No one should be abandoned like that.

Anyone feel me?

BLOG VS BLOG

2008-06-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

I have never had a blog before. I wasn't sure when I started this what was right to include, and what was inappropriate. However, I have never been one to much care about appropriateness when it didn't follow what I truely wanted to accomplish. So, I have hung my dirty laundry out to dry. It seems as if it doesn't dry as quickly as one would like, however at least my pain and inconsistencies in life cause humor to those that pay attention to the ramblings in my head. So when I started this blog I decided to let this man know I was using our relationship as raw material and I didn't want him to read it. Not because anything I've said is extremely hurtful to him, but because it's mine; to be shared with my closest friends who don't care whether I spell anything right and just want to know what I'm up to. Of course, i told him the latter as well.

He started a blog. So certain that I wouldn't find it and that I may never know those thoughts he puts on the page. It began as a joke. Me teasing that I would find it, and him assuring that I wouldn't. He didn't have a good reason for me not to see his blog. I asked him point blank. If he had a good reason, I would have let it go and let him write his heart away about topics I had no business knowing about.

Now I must preface by saying that the things I have written about are solely things that I wish I could tell him, but have never been able to find the right way to express it without hurting his manhood, or making him embarassed. So long story short, I found his blog. I read it with evry inch of my attention. I found out through his blog that he was looking to God to give him his path. Yet, as he accepts the idea that God has divine intervention and people should wait for their God to help them, they have to help themselves as well. This is wise advice from the Church around the Way and I am glad he is attempting to follow it.

On the flip side, there were some personal points of interest on his blog. The fact that he doesn't have the rent he told me he had. The fact that he ran a red light, got his picture taken and has a ticket coming my way (which he failed to mention). These are things that in a typical relationship one might consider telling one another. However, he must have felt that I wasn't capable of understanding. That I might worry or be mad. That is the only reason to expect this type of behavior. Am I upset because he didn't let me react for myself? Because he felt he knew me well enough to make a decision to hold something from me?

I am a complicated person. I have seen my fair share of faults in this world and have participated in many of them myself. I have been struggling with how to let this man in my life, showing him every scar of person, without dragging my old baggage into this relationship. I am trying to keep this relationship healthy. So if I know I am still hiding parts of myself from him. How then, could he ever know me well enough to hide things from me and expect a certain reaction? He couldn't. Therefore, he is just hiding. Certainly that gives him similar characteristics to the men who have hurt me in the past. Have I really grown? Am I still dating the same bad men that have plagued me in the past? I think not, but because of the past I am fearing that I may be proved wrong. That, I fear, may be more terrifying than being in another bad relationship; because I know how to survive that.

SETTELING SMOKE DREAMS

2008-06-25T13:17:00.001-07:00

I like to watch the smoke I exhale get taken by the California wind and drift over the sidewall of the balcony. It reminds me that although I may feel stagnant there are still many moving, living and breathing so close to me. I feel as if I can lift my mind onto the end of a ring of smoke and fly with it. Along for the ride is only my soul and none of my stress or problems that come along with settling down. I may not seem settled, as there is much I still aspire to do, however I am. I am set in my ways and trying to break free from that may be the only thing to save me from a life filled with settled drudgery. As afraid as I may be to be out of control I am more afraid of being ordinary. Not that fame is a mark of the extra ordinary and not as if that would be the validating factor that I would need. In contrast, I would consider being known for greatness on even the most minute and indescribable level, by the most unknown of faces.

Now, as the question has been presented, what then must I do in order achieve that goal? Well, I'll tell you that I have no idea. I am not that talented, I am not a great artist, or a great singer. I do not have a lot of money to donate to needy charities. I have no ambitions or goals besides the utmost result of my "talent's" achievments. So what then, what must I do to contribute to this world that seems to be falling apart around us?

I have ideas about what I could do if I had the means. The things that celebraties should do and only a handful of them have. By writting I am hoping to accomplish my ultimate goal. Therefore, I have to write daily to perfect this art that will one day pan into an expression of my life's work, and ultimate goal. In addition, I must make time to experience the extremes of life in order to use that raw material to entertain readers and explore the absolutes of human interaction.

NAKED

2008-06-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

It seems as if most people were taught the same manners. We all commit to the same societal etiquette. However, in the privacy of our own homes, those niceities seem to go right out the window. For example, I was taught that you should not run around naked in fron of the opposite sex. It was my dad more than anything. Always telling me to cover up, even though i would be wearing a t shirt eight sizes too big for me that came down to my ankles. It was a lesson that I didn't realize that I was learning, until now.

I am in a relationship where I gaurd my nakedness. It is something that I don't want to share or show readily. I like it to be a private affair, being naked. I want some excitement from my partner when I am out there. Clothing seems to protect my vuneralbility. It stark contrast, my man seems to be as free as a bird.

I find that nakedness to him is just as natural as organic face cream. It's healthy and, well, natural. But i can't have a conversation with somebody who's laying in bed holding his dick! It's just not comfortable. I mean really, why must men always remind themselves of their manhood? It's not like women go around holding a nipple or scratching themselves. Although, I'm sure men wouldn't mind if they did. It seem as if there is this need for men to do this and I am asking why?

In ddition, they don't seem to understand your request. We can be talking in bed and I'll roll over to face him and be face to face with his mr. goldmember. It completly distracts me from anything I'm saying. It doesn't turn me on, in fact, it repels me, shocks me, and makes me just feel unconfortable. What non verbal messages are you trying to send me? What? you want to have sex? ok, not the right way to go about it. You feel like talking? Again, not the right way to go about it. I just don't understand the logic behind being naked all the time, but most importantly why must you touch it when it's out? That is what gets me. You aren't drawing attention to it if you just leave yourself alone, and that can be tolerable. I mean, he is a fine specimen I don't mind looking. But the touching...

Maybe this is a guy thing. If it makes me uncomfortable do i have a right to ask for it to stop? Or must I accept it? Or is it me? I can even believe that I am getting this much thought out of just a little nakedness. It seems to have a greater meaning within a relationship that when one is not. For example, while not in a relationship nakedness only happens during the random sexual escapades at time when you want to see dick, and when you feel like using it for a positive motive. Rather than in a relationship, it can hang out and not be motivated to participate in anything but some alone time with its owner. Suddenly, the dick has no use other than a shocking, uneventful diversion. On some occasions it does come into play, however those are now timed out with the events of the day. Did you work to hard? Tired? Stressed? Sick? No sex, just companionship.

All these questions and instances srung from one dick? Go figure.

notes in the night

2008-06-20T01:19:00.000-07:00

It's 1:30am in the morning in Los Angeles. In Minneapolis it's 3:30am. Even though I have lived in L.A. for the past month, it seems i'm still locked in to Minneapolis time. My whole day seems linked, or synchronized with the time frame lived by my closest and dearest back home. I seemed unable to accept that time here is the current actual time in my present reality. It is as if everything I do is double checked by the time in my hometown; as if it might be too late to go to that movie if it's really four am when i'm done. I'm thrilled I am even up this late, at 3:30am that is, and still have the energy to write to cyberspace.

I've spent the last few hours indulging myself in alone time and sex and the city. Of course, the SATC challenge is trying not to over analyze your own life and explain through fiction. But i figure, since my life is all about creating fiction, finding senarios that actual mirror reality is just good research. Every writer wants to know that their work will touch someone on a personal level, right? We look to fiction to difine, through clever verbage, our lives in a wonderfully concise thirty minute special. The shows that we follow tend to be about either the life that we wish could have, sometimes strictly in a fantasy situation, or the life that mimics our own. For example, I have eight very close girl friends as opposed to three, we run through damaged and unavailable men and get together and talk about them every sunday morning over breakfast. So the similarities are truely astonishing. So what do the shows that we watch say about us? Do they say anything? or are the shows on television these days are more like our real lives on tv instead tv imitating the lives we should be having, like leave it to beaver?

porn and romance

2008-06-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

I have been living with a man and after careful observation of the opposite sex I've come to realize the abrupt differences in the male and female approach to suggesting sex. Men, it seems, have embraced their manhood and use there sexually confident sarcasm and humor to entice the female lead. There is a lack of romance and an increase in sexual references and gestures to their "Prince" however that cause the female to recoil in disgust. These tactics, it seems are not working.

Let me be more specific. Banging your family jewels against my leg in attempt to suggest that you are horny and need to have sex, is not the way to get me in the mood. Also, outright proposals to have sex are equally disturbing. As if I can just climb on top of you and all lights would point to go. No. Women, it seems to me, are still in need of the romance that apparently with the rise of feminism we have forsaken to receive long ago. Women approach sex with trepidation, and carefully manipulated movements. It will come with a look, a shift of her hips, the touch of her fingertips. Without speak and making a joke, she is able to excite her man without scaring him. Men, with their outdated tricks of enticement score much less, and then, so cleverly, they turn to more virtual methods of intercourse.

I am not the type to mind that the man in my house watches porn because fantasy is equally healthy for men and women. However, it would be at least respectful, and courteous to wipe the history on the computer clean. I mean really, how many more years must we put up with men underestimating our intelligence? Don't you know that I check?

So, in conclusion, a message to the men out there... come up with better ways to romance us in the bedroom and you won't have to watch the history on your computer fill up with porn sites.

Love complications

2008-06-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

LOVE

Is the meaning of love directly reflective of the way in which one shows it? Does a person who doesn't crave the touch of their lover or the warmth of their breath love less? It seems as if the lover may perceive it as such. In communications studies it was taught that ninety percent of interaction was read non verbally. Without saying anything one is able to say so much. Depending on how the love interest relates touch to love the lover may never know. Yet simultaneously the lover is held to the standards the love interest is holding. To be more specific, it seems as though we can say that we usually learn how to love by watching adults around us as we mature. If we are consistently in an unhealthy environment this could be detrimental to our current relationship. However, even if one had loving and positive role models we still seem to find those individuals are just as likely to fail in matters of the heart as well. So then, where do we get the idea of love and how does this cyclical mess begin?

Mother

2008-06-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

MOTHER

After a few weeks of avoiding my mother i finally called to get the update. my mother was a survivor of types. she had successfully survived relationships with multiple bad, republican, racist white men. then she had a baby with a black man and was cut off from her upper middle class bigoted alcoholic parents. while tackling a college degree and single-parenthood she survived the Minneapolis welfare system. If that wasn't reason enough, she survived cancer twice. unfortunately as soon as i had arrived in Los Angeles she had discovered she had more to survive in life. She was diagnosed for the third time with cancer. This time she was also given chemotherapy. now, I was all grown up. No longer in the house and two thousand miles away. While the first two times were a blast and I was so glad to be there (insert sarcasim here) doing this from so far away seemed daunting and made the microscopic abnormal cells seem even more fictional. Since it was obvious that this could not be happening again. My heart dropped when I heard the news. my mind went into immediate shock. most people don't know how they would react to news like this. i did however. i had done it twice before. the first time i was in such a state of shock i blurted out a secret. the second time i drank a whole bottle of wine by myself at a family birthday party. this time, i was driving home from work. my throat started to get dry and my eyes widened as if i was trying to see the road, but really i was trying not to cry on the phone. when the conversation was over i lit up a cigarette and played just how i would cope once i arrived at home. mr. man hadn't been there for either of the previous experiences with this and as far as i knew, he had no idea how to relate to this. how do you explain it? well, i guess i'm doing my best right now.

the person that has taken care of you your whole life, changed your diapers, pulled you back from depression, even punished you when you were being stupid now has a potentially terminal illness. there wasn't the general wearing out period that usually gives way to the gradual undertaking of child becoming parent. in just one treatment it will wipe her body clean and make her tired and nausous. she'll be like that for a few days while you try to continue normally and make her eat when you can. enentually she'll get some of her strength back and just when she does it'll be time to see the doctor again. if that wasn't bad enough, try holding a full time job and the general stress of living day to day. once you finally get into a routine, you have the drive to the hospital down through back roads to avoid rush hour she starts to lose her hair. this can be such a traumatic experience for people in general there are hair care products, and procedures just to avoid it. in this case it comes gradually and to avoid the embarrassment of losing hair during a business meeting, you cut it all off. it brought tears to her eyes when she did it the first time. she just tried cutting it very short, in hopes that would be enough. when it wasn't she buzzed it all of and the tears flowed like a river, cascading down her cheeks she held tight to my shoulders as her body shook. that was the second time i had ever seen my mother cry.

i flashed back to a fight i had with my high school boyfriend over the issue. he was upset that i wasn't spending enough time with him. of course, i was in high school working two jobs and taking care of my mother. "you don't know what it's like to wake up to your mother throwing up in the middle of the night! feeling powerless to stop what she's going through!" i screamed at him, sobbing. will Mr. man understand? what will he say when i get home and tell that after a fifteen hour workday i found out i'd be going through this whole thing all over again. how could i articulate this?

I walked into the apartment with a look that said "brace yourself". i went and changed, grabbed that bottle of wine and headed to the balcony with my cigarettes. although he didn't smoke and never joined me on the balcony i smiled slyly and said "just step into my office". with the nonchalance i said the statement i had learned to say when i was just sixteen years old. "...and after a long day at work i'm driving home and talked to my mom, she has cancer." it came out evenly without emotion. i took a huge gulp of wine then and a drag of that good 'ol cigarette. what response was i looking for from him? i couldn't tell you. i was still in shock. not quite able to wrap my mind around the facts of the day. there really wasn't anything that he could say that would've have been right. that's the thing with potentially terminal illness everyone around you tries to be so positive. they try to make you see the bright side of things, but the only thing you are thinking is "what if it's not okay!" yet simultaneously you know that she has to be fine, because you won't be if she isn't. so what do you say to those dealing with this, nothing. as the expectation sat he said what i assumed he would say, "she's strong and she'll get through this." his voice was just as even as mine had been. nothing was clouding the air between us except the cigarette smoke and my hidden thoughts. i couldn't even explain how this was going to affect me. it seemed as if even in this instance i was unable to grasp the concept of opening up. at this time i didn't even try. i let the topic slip away as we moved on to the traditional aspects of his day, and how he was doing.

stammering juliet

2008-06-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

STAMMERING JULIET

My words are so confined by the mortal body they keep
I am unable to grasp the need to speak
we lie in silence hoping that love blooms best
though my tongue is bare it is beset
on words so fine and heavy with debt

i write songs and can not define my poetry
so advanced with news of a love so bleakly
sits on mine chest and tears fill my eyes with water deeply
sense not that a love so fine hath come
caged my heart sits with hope of none

open my ways and in great fortune pay
my youth has expired to a more fruitful way
sit not, let me leap!
words unto you,
leave nothing to decay
it seems the feelings of my heart lead me only halfway

tongue take your note
let heavenly words be spoke
on winged words i have finally awoke
take haste! Be the one to convoke

pledge to the nation

2008-06-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

Pledge to the Nation

Dazzling disclaimers of capitalism create
the notion of a nation
to preserve the right of self presentation
unify in one identity
under labels and fashion statements
seek the extremes in validation

windless nights impress the need to dress the best
hot pants with high heels
fast cars and power suits
struggle with identity
ripped pantyhose and pink Ugg boots
Botox treatments and diamonds are forms of art

wall street walkway paved with platinum
spoiled nation, they have none
the pages of a fashion mag used as a warpage
divest the image
be released from bondage

red carpets deprave
stars have the key
neon lights shine brave
and nothing is free
so who do you really want to be?

2008-06-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

it seems as if most people that live in small towns come with the notion that they do not wish to be born and die in the same town. Without seeing the world maybe they feel as if they are missing something. But I am from a major city and I feel the same. I feel like there is too big of a world that we live in to not experience it, to live in it and to participate in it. Therefore i have moved across coutry, to a larger city. To see and experience how this world works in this perspective. So I left Minneapolis, with the idea that I could further find myself and see more.

Now I am here and here I am. The same person I was before, with the same motives, ideas, and principles. Trying desperatly to transplant myself to another world. Amist all of the changes I have brought to myself, I try to keep one thing constant. Me. In this endeavor I am struggling. I'm the center of a whirlwind, and therefore the eye of the storm. How does one control the storm from within in?

I believe that I will soon discover that there is no way to control such a process. Yet in a humbling effort, I will try to do so. That is my journey that I am embarking on, and so we will see how it ends. Stay tuned!